How to Fall Out of Love
by testosterone-tea
Summary: Draco Malfoy is making a list telling how to fall out of love, because he certainly is in a predicament concerning a certain Harry Potter... Drarry slash!


A/N: My roommate was doing this 'How to' poem for her writing class and I got this idea from her. It is basically Draco listing off the things he needs to do in order to fall out of love with someone. It is rather ridiculous, but there you go. I should be writing my English Theory essay, but instead, I give you this.

WARNING! SLASH! Male/male, boyxboy, relations of a homosexual nature. There! No complaining I didn't warn you.

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and I am simply borrowing her characters for my own use.**

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How to fall Out of Love

By Draco Malfoy

1. Be born a Malfoy

2. Be raised by Lucius Malfoy

3. Go to Hogwarts and be Sorted into Slytherin

4. Become rivals with the Boy-Who-Lived and all around Gryffindor Golden Boy Harry Potter

5. Fight. A lot

6. Continue fighting for six years

7. Remember that in order to maintain respect and demonstrate self-desirability, a girlfriend is required

7. Snog Pansy

8. Realize that Pansy just doesn't do it for you

9. Snog Astoria Greengrass

10. Realize she doesn't do it for you either

11. In a blind panic, snog most of the female portion of Slytherin above 5th year

12. Realize that maybe girls just don't do it for you

13. Don't tell your parents to avoid being disinherited

14. Don't tell anyone else to avoid being laughed at

15. Tell Pansy so she'll stop groping you

16. Realize that perhaps you were too hasty in assessing her trustworthyness

17. Wonder if trustworthyness is a word and then decide since you are a Malfoy it entitles you to make up words to suit a given situation

18. Dig up dirt on Pansy

19. Blackmail Pansy

20. Live through the next week of her ugly, scowling face

21. Wonder if turning her into a pug would make her less ugly

22. Decide it wouldn't make a difference

23. Tell her so

24. Avoid Pansy

25. In doing so, accidentally smash head-first into arch-nemesis

26. Fall over with arch-nemesis on top of you

27. Decide to treat arch-nemesis to scathing tirade about their clumsiness

28. Wonder where Potter's glasses went

29. Wonder why you never noticed how green Potter's eyes are

30. Feel horrified that you actually _have_ noticed

31. Flee in desperation

32. Once safely in the common room, consider that since you don't like girls, you _must_ therefore, like boys

33. Consider the attractiveness of most of the male population of Hogwarts above 5th year

34. Decide they are below you attention

35. Consider the attractiveness of one Harry James Potter

36. Feel your heart twist in a weird, twingy sort of way

37. Wonder if you have some sort of heart disease

38. Go see Madam Pomfrey over this issue

39. Are sent away because there is apparently nothing wrong with you

40. Know for a fact that there is something wrong with you

41. Marvel in a horrified sort of way that it is quite possible that you find Harry Potter attractive

42. Try to understand how this could happen

43. Carefully watch Harry Potter over the course of the next week to try and discern this

44. Decide by the end of this period that maybe he is a bit attractive

45. Continue watching him

46. Decide after another week that maybe he is more than just a bit attractive

47. Sneak out to watch the Gryffindor Quidditch team practice

48. Watch Harry Potter do amazing Wronski Feint

49. Decide that Harry Potter in Quidditch leathers on a broomstick is a hard-on waiting to happen

50. Notice that this is particularly true in your case

51. Leave unobtrusively and feel glad that robes are so loose and concealing

52. Have a shower

53. Take care of the hard-on

54. Try not to think of Potter

55. Fail at trying not to think of Potter

56. Curse yourself for a fool

57. Bang head against shower wall

58. Realize that giving yourself a concussion is not the answer

59. Curse Harry Potter for being such a damnably attractive idiot

60. Decide that you do not care and will ignore him in the future

61. Feel your plan go out the window once you set eyes on him the next morning

62. Thump your head on the table

63. Ignore the curious stares you are receiving from your fellow Slytherins

64. Also ignore the devious smirk on Pansy's face

65. Keep ignoring Pansy even as she asks you who it is

66. Try to avoid staring at Potter throughout the next week

67. Fail miserably because Potter has a very nice arse

68. Wonder if you yourself have a nice arse

69. Check out you own arse in a mirror after classes end

70. Decide that you do, in fact, have a nice arse

71. Wonder if it is nicer than Potter's

72. Wonder if Potter has noticed your nice arse

73. Sink to the floor in despair as you realize how far you are gone

74. Slink about disconsolately the next day

75. See Potter coming down the hallway towards you

76. Think that this could be your chance to prove to everyone how much you hate Potter

77. Attempt to sneer at Potter and insult his mother

78. Wonder why you instead avert your eyes and blush as he passes you

79. Run away when he raises his eyebrows questioningly at you

80. Be paired with him in Potions class

81. Curse Snape for doing so

82. Try to avoid looking at Potter as he sits down next to you

83. Go collect the Potions ingredients from the storage cupboard

84. Come back and tell him to prepare the ingredients

85. Pointedly avoid looking at him

86. Ask him to hand you something

87. Feel his fingers brush yours as he does as you ask

88. Blush profusely and snatch your hand away

89. Watch as he tilts his head and looks at you as if you are a sort of bizarre puzzle

90. Hope he hasn't figured out what your blushes mean

91. Realize you have added too many beetle eyes as you've been pondering this

92. Tackle Potter to the floor as the potion explodes

93. Feel your heart pound and your breath catch because you are on top of Potter

94. Hope that he decides that it is your wand poking him in the thigh

95. Scramble off him and pretend that saving him from an exploded potion was nothing at all eventful or surprising

96. Blush more, because he is gazing at you curiously

97. Run away again when he tries to corner you after class

98. Think you are doomed when he pursues and catches you

99. Feel shocked when all he does is thank you for saving him

100. Feel the bottom of your stomach fall out when he smiles at you

101. Wonder why just his smile can completely melt you

102. Decide you want to learn more about the Gryffindor boy

103. Follow him around without him noticing

104. Discover that he is kind, generous, brave, thoughtful, and sweet

105. Also discover that he can be brooding, depressed, sad and lonely

106. Wonder why, as his rival, you never noticed this before

107. Wonder also why you want to hug him whenever he is like that

108. Try and figure out why you like him so much, especially after all you know of him

109. Feel like crying when you come to the inevitable conclusion

110. Actually do cry

111. Don't tell anyone, when they ask, that you are lamenting the loss of your heart to Harry Potter

112. Spend the next week wondering why it took you so long to realize you were in love

113. Decide that this does not bode well for you future endeavors

114. Think about Potter for a while

115. Feel your heart contract painfully

116. Realize that he will never return your feelings

117. Cry some more

118. Stop crying, and decide right then and there that you will fall out of love with Harry Potter

119. Realize that this is much harder said than done

120. Refuse to watch Harry Potter anymore

121. Whenever you catch yourself looking at him, mentally berate yourself and look away

122. Do not think about him or his delectable arse

123. Do not think about any of his other body parts

124. Especially do not think about his evergreen eyes

125. Mope about miserably for another week

126. Avoid Potter at all costs

127. Pretend not to hear the Gryffindors when they comment on the 'defanged' Slytherin

128. Glare balefully at your own Housemates whenever they talk about Potter

129. Threaten to disembowel Pansy when she smirks knowingly at you

130. Turn paler than usual when she asks how being smitten with Harry Potter feels

131. Feel defeated as she in turn blackmails you into going out with her

132. Try not to throw up when she prances about clutching your arm like a demented boa constrictor

133. Try not to sneer when she coos nonsense at you

134. Feel completely disgusted when you are forced to snog her to keep up the charade

135. Wish you were snogging a certain green-eyed Gryffindor instead

136. Wonder which of the two prospects is worse

137. Decide that you might die rather than choose

138. Shoot disgusted glares at the evil woman whenever she isn't looking

139. Feel sick when you realize that Harry notices your expression

140. Realize that you just called him Harry

141. Decide not to care because you are already carrying out a sentence worse than death

142. Put up with Pansy for two weeks

143. Try not to think longingly of Potter

144. Curse constantly, because you always forget not to

145. Also try not to stare at Potter

146. Feel completely exposed when he catches you at it

147. Blush and turn away when he turns a questioning gaze on you

148. Wonder if you will ever be rid of Pansy

149. Discover that the answer could be never if you don't escape now, because she wants you to marry her

150. Rebel, because you would rather face down a lion than marry her

151. Realize that you might have to, because Pansy tells Granger about your desires toward her best friend

152. Watch as the male Weasley explodes at the breakfast table when he learns this

153. Quietly and rapidly leave rather than be torn apart as the rest of the Gryffindors quickly discover the reason for his outburst

154. Hear the rest of the Great Hall begin babbling behind you as news spreads

completely humiliated because everyone knows your carefully kept secret

156. Hide in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom

157. When she asks you why you are crying, tell her, because there's no reason not to

158. Feel somehow grateful when she attempts to console you

159. Feel your heart ache because the one you love probably hates you more than ever

160. Sob bitterly

161. Stay in the bathroom the rest of the day

162. Sneak out once curfew falls to get food from the kitchen

163. Curse the day you ever fell in love with Harry Potter

164. Wonder why you haven't succeeded in falling out of love

165. Endeavor to try again as soon as you've recovered from having a broken heart

166. Press a hand to your chest in an attempt to relieve the pain

167. Try not to cry even more, because it's not working

168. Tickle the pear to open the door to the kitchen

169. Freeze when you discover in complete horror that the object of your desire is sitting there having a late-night snack

170. Watch in terror as he stands at the sight of you and moves towards you

171. Finally break and run – again

172. Know it is hopeless because he's faster than you

173. Feel him pin you to the wall in the corridor to stop you from fleeing

174. Struggle to break free

175. Feel him spin you round to face him and pin you with his green gaze

176. Give up struggling and refuse to look at him

177. Feel a tear work its way out from under your eyelid

178. Try to hold back the rest that threaten to break free

179. Feel his arms go around you

180. Collapse into them and sob into his neck, because it seems he's letting you

181. Realize how warm and strong those arms are and burrow further into them

182. Stop crying as you marvel how safe you feel right at this moment

183. Fall even more hopelessly in love with him because of it

184. Feel him tilt up your chin so you have to look him in the eye

185. Think briefly that your face must be a mess of tear-streaks

186. Also think that your eyes must be all swollen and red

187. Feel lost, because you're staring into his eyes and he into yours

188. Tremble

189. Feel butterflies in your stomach when he gives you a breath-taking smile

190. Notice that the two halves of your heart are mending as he leans towards you

191. Exhale shakily as his warm breath slides over your face

192. Hold on tightly when he carefully presses a fiery kiss to your mouth

193. Continue to hold him as he continues to kiss you

194. Shakily return the kisses

195. Feel your insides burn

196. Stare at him in wonder when he finally draws back

197. Marvel that it is your fault his mouth is all red and wet like that

198. When he asks if you'll be his and his alone, nod once because you lack the words

199. Be deliriously happy because you have your heart's desire

200. When you enter the Great Hall the next morning hand-in-hand, laugh at the shell-shocked expressions on everyone's faces

201. Smile at Harry and squeeze his hand, because you can

202. Feel your heart flutter when he smiles back and leans in to give your lips a chaste kiss

203. Decide that maybe being in love isn't such a bad thing after all

204. Promptly throw out current list and start a new one titled: How to Live Happily Ever After

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Not too sappy, is it? ^.^


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